|F*cking Life Issues Again
||[Jan. 19th, 2008|11:54 am]
I hate it. My life has been on a downhill roll and I don't think the slope is changing any time soon. I've become lonely in a weird way... My friends have all changed and become more social and...well, ever since the slutty freshmen joined our group, nothing has been the same. So I've gone back to my old friends who still talk to me... I guess I feel a bit better there. At least I know some will always be there for me. *sigh*
I won't elaborate on the loneliness because it's too complicated...but I feel outcasted. Something like that. No one would notice if I just up and left. So I did. I'm with my other group of friends more often... The group I started out with in 7th and 8th grade. At least they still notice me.
And now today. Today kinda hurt me... I had an argument with my mom about how I don't think my legs look good in a dress and whatnot. I mean, they're big, hairy (for a girl...I don't shave), and muscular. Not the best look on a girl. Then my mom started yelling at me and...I don't know. I got pretty hurt by it despite the fact that she was telling me that my legs were "beautiful". When she yells it at me it just feels like she's forcing more down my throat than she already has. That's just it with my parents. They force feed me things I don't want to think about. Or things that hurt me...
I left to the garage to grab my dress shoes and prove to my dad that they still fit. I was standing by the stairs when I heard them talking about me. My mom kept on insisting that I was too much like a boy and that no guy would like me if I stayed like this. That hurt. Very badly. I made myself known. "GEE, THANKS." Then they found out I was standing there. I went into the kitchen where my parents were. My dad said he just wanted me to be a bit more soft and feminine. I had the urge to say, "You can't change me that easily. I'm gonna be who I want to be." I held it back though. I grabbed a drink and just left upstairs. I haven't talked to them since. Nor do I really want to. I'm near tears right now thinking back at it...
Another issue. I have a good friend from the anime club who I'm suspecting likes me. He isn't really attractive, but he's a nice guy. I don't like him, though. He was asking those type of guy questions about love and whatnot the other day. It has me concerned that he likes me...but I can't return his feelings. I really hope nothing happens...or that he doesn't like me. I've never really had to turn down a guy before, nor do I want to do so. :/
That's all for now. I may not be updating anything anytime soon. I'm too depressed to do so...or rather, I'm just not in the mood to actually DO anything. *sigh*